Malachi (3)

Below is what our small group considered in its third session in Malachi. Maybe there is something here for you. 

Let’s please consider Malachi 2:10 – 16.

Let me say at the outset that this passage is like trying to hit a knuckleball – it moves one way and then another and it can be confusing. Since we can’t just stand at the plate and do nothing, we’ll take our best swings and see what happens. When I consulted an “academic” commentary (a commentary which looks closely at ancient languages, grammar, history, and different ways of looking at a passage) I have on Malachi, I realized that Hoyt Wilhelm (an old knuckleball pitcher) must be descended from Malachi.

Taking a first look at the passage, what do see as its main point(s)?

I think there are two things going on at the same time, and this is one of the things that makes the passage a knuckleball. On the one hand Israel is once again worshiping idols, and on the other hand the men are divorcing their Jewish wives and marrying pagan women who are bringing with them pagan gods; one practice is feeding the other practice. (I’ve pondered this for a few days!)

It is interesting to me that in Hosea, which is the first Minor Prophet, we looked at Israel’s adultery in marrying foreign gods (Hosea chapters 1 – 3). Now in Malachi, the last Minor Prophet, we are dealing with the very same thing.

Hosea took place before the Assyrians destroyed the northern kingdom (Israel) and Babylon destroyed the southern kingdom (Judah); in Malachi the people of Judah have returned from Babylonian captivity and rebuilt Jerusalem and the Temple and now they are back to doing the same thing.

Regarding marrying pagan women, take a look at Ezra 9:1 – 4 and Nehemiah 13:23 – 31. We looked at these passages last May and June. The sequence was:

1.    Judah comes back from captivity.

2.    Ezra, Nehemiah, Haggai, and Zechariah insist that the priests, civil leaders, and people not form alliances with pagans and not marry pagans; and that the pagan women they have married be sent away.

3.    The people obey.

4.    Then after a few years (let’s say within 50 – 100 years) the priests, government leaders, and people go back the worshiping idols, forming alliances with pagans, and marrying pagan women.

5.    God speaks through Malachi – the last Old Testament prophet.

6.    God (in a sense) will not speak prophetically to His people for 450 years; then come John the Baptist and Jesus Christ.

There are a lot of moving parts in all of this, which is a reason reading, reading, and reading the Bible is critical to developing a framework for “seeing” the Bible.

Note the sequence of Malachi; from Malachi 1:6 – 2:9 we see the sins of the priests, then beginning in 2:10 we see the sins of the people. If the leaders are sinful and immoral, the people will follow. If the ministers and priests are wicked, the people will be wicked. Please remind me again why the morality of our leaders doesn’t matter? I seem to have missed that one. If our seminaries are teaching pagan and worldly thinking, and denying the Bible as the Word of God, and not placing the Christ of the Cross above everything else in life – then what can we expect our congregations to do?

Malachi 2:11. I think the “sanctuary” here is the People of God. God’s People are where God lives. When one of us sins we bring sin into the sanctuary, the rest of us are affected by the sin. 1 Peter 2:5; Ephesians 2:19 – 22; 1 Corinthians 5:6 - 8. If an offensive lineman misses his blocking assignment it affects the entire team; if a soldier on the perimeter goes to sleep, the enemy can infiltrate the camp; the weakest link in a band of brothers can lead to the destruction of the unit.

Here is a nice quote from my commentary, “…the mixed marriages were a desecration of the ‘sanctuary of God,” a violation of Israel’s spiritual existence as a covenant people. Through these marriages the frontiers between covenant people and heathen, between church and world were obliterated.”

The idea that sin can be “private” and not affect others is simply not true. If Christians are truly “members of one another” (1 Cor. 12:12; Rom. 12:4; Eph. 4:25), then what one person does affects the entire Body. Here are some more excerpts from the commentary:

“The sinful divorces which they had considered a private affair had not escaped the notice of the Lord. It is because He had acted as witness.” (The Books of Haggai and Malachi, Pieter A. Verhoef, The New International Critical Commentary on the Old Testament, Eerdmans).

“Whatever the reason for the divorces might have been, the fact remains that it was the reason why the communion with God was broken.”

Malachi 2:13: Judah thought that it could sin by practicing unrestrained and wholesale divorce, and by worshiping pagan gods, and that the True and Living God would still accept their worship. They believed that then, and we believe that now. We believe that we can teach whatever we want to, live however we want to, and that our Sugar Daddy God will pat us on our heads and be proud of us and understand that we are well-intentioned.

Do you think about the fact that when you sin it affects us all?

Do you think about the fact that when you are obedient to Christ that it blesses us all?

Is it possible to restore a Biblical view of marriage, divorce, fornication (sex outside of marriage), adultery, and sexual purity within the professing-church in our nation?

What are the challenges to such a restoration?

How might we begin the process?

Why don’t we think sex outside of marriage is sinful?

Considering that the Bible is clear about sexuality and marriage, why is it that a couple can live together without being married, attend church, join a church, and not be held accountable for sexual sin?

How can churches model strong marriages and strengthen all marriages?

How can churches model sexual purity?

A promiscuous society and a promiscuous church (a church that worships the idols of the world) produces promiscuous people, and promiscuous people produce an idolatrous church.

I love you!

Bob

Letter to a Brother - Marriage (5)

Pygmalion - more reflections:

As I thought about my last letter, the more I considered our tendency to try to make our spouse into our image of what we think he or she should be, the more I realized that I ought to specifically mention this tendency when it comes to the Christian life. There are few things as dangerous as self-righteous religion, no matter the flavor. Self-righteous religion is religion that insists on conformity in order to measure up and to be accepted - by God (or a god) and by the people within the circle of the particular religion - including Christianity. Because self-righteous people delude themselves into thinking that conformity, whether in terms of thought life or behavior, is critical to eternal destiny, and because it also validates their own religious life, they often adopt a tyrannical posture toward others; this can be especially true in marriage when one spouse seeks to dominate the other - naturally all for the other spouse’s good and spiritual health (this can also be sadly true in parenting).

What might this look like in a marriage? It can mean that one spouse insists on the other spouse having the same devotional life; reading the Bible in the same way and with the same methodology. It can mean that both spouses are expected to pray the same way, or that both are expected to be interested in the same spiritual gifts and graces, or the same opportunities to serve church and community. It can mean that books on the Christian life that appeal to one spouse must appeal to the other spouse. It can mean that the wife gives up her individuality and personhood and sublimates her gifts and graces and personhood to the point where she ceases to have functional independent thought and action. There are times when a spouse no longer has the freedom to express herself - whether in thought, in prayer, or in the expression of God’s grace and giftings in her life.

Instead of being heirs together of the grace of life, instead of the husband laying down his life for his wife, a Pygmalion marriage can become one of emotional, mental, and religious tyranny - this is hardly the image of Christ and the Church, it is hardly in harmony with God’s design and intention for marriage. Yet it happens; and while it may happen less frequently in the general population than it once did, I wonder about its frequency within religious families, even professing-Christian families.

A role of a spouse ought to be that of encourager, of affirming the other spouse’s unique God-given personality, interests, talents, and desires. Yes, hopefully there will be common interests in a marriage (after all, there must have been some common ground as a marital foundation), common desires to serve together, to grow exploring the same things in Christ and in friendships with others; but a healthy marriage is also a complementary marriage, an interdependent marriage, in which husband and wife not only grow as heirs together in common expression, but in which they also learn to be heirs together as each encourages the other to grow up into Christ as the man or woman that God created. As we have unity in diversity in the Body of Christ, so can we have unity in diversity in marriage.

This means that we must give our spouse room to grow, whether or not our expressions of grace and relationship with God are identical, whether or not they always appeal to both of us. Some people are more disciplined and methodical than others. Some people are more practical than others. Some of us tend to think abstractly more than concretely and some of us are the opposite. Some of us are more comfortable being demonstrative in worship and some are not.

God is the One who is forming us into the image of His Son, the Holy Spirit is the One who is convicting us and animating change, the Word of God is that which is renewing our hearts and minds - none of the foregoing is the job or calling of a husband or of a wife toward his or her spouse.

Husbands and wives can be artful in subtle manipulation, and they can be subtle in passive resistance; when this is allowed to continue an underground relationship burrows into the marriage, a relationship of thoughts never clearly spoken, of hurts not disclosed, of forgiveness not asked, of perfunctory prayer, of public personas and private realities.

Perhaps we try to manipulate others when we do not allow the Holy Spirit to reveal our own need for transformation into the image of Jesus Christ. Perhaps we insist that others measure up to our standards so that we can cling to a vestige of self-righteousness. Maybe we try to change our spouse to avoid learning humility and to avoid relinquishing control of our marriage. Giving up control does not mean abdicating responsibility for either the husband or the wife, but it does mean submitting to the lordship of Jesus Christ and the husband and wife learning to serve and love each other - trusting the Lord of the marriage to transform them as individuals and as husband and wife into His image.

When we are self-righteous we justify our attempt to control others by telling ourselves and others that it is for their benefit - such control can be particularly heinous in marriage. I use the word “heinous” because (Psalm 139) each of us is created by God, He designed us, He knows us, He has a purpose for us; and when one of us tries to usurp the place of God in the life of another we are not only attempting to wrest control from God, but we are attempting to mar His image in the other person; only Michelangelo could call forth the image of David from flawed marble and only God can call forth His image from within our spouse...or from anyone else.

Marriage lived in the freedom of Jesus Christ is beautiful, with the glories of God unfolding ever brighter. The discovery of God’s image in marriage, as heirs together of the grace of life, is a marvel. For the husband to see God’s glory in his wife, for the wife to see God’s glory in her husband - to discover the glorious transforming grace of Christ in marriage, in safety, in trust, in longsuffering - this is a taste of heaven on earth.

Letter to a Brother, Marriage: Page 4

Pygmalion

While there are various ancient versions of the Pygmalion myth, the core story centers around a sculptor named Pygmalion who falls in love with with a female statue he carves.  Some of us may be more familiar with the story through George Bernard Shaw’s book (and later play), Pygmalion, or through the musical adaptation, My Fair Lady.

Consider the storyline, a sculptor creates a female statue, an image - he crafts the image and then he falls in love with the image. He superimposes his “ideal woman” on the image, attributing to the image inner characteristics, emotions, and intellect that he, the image-maker, wants the statue to have. Then the image comes to life...but what then? Will the living person continue to conform to the sculptor’s image, or will she become her own person? There are many possibilities.

In Shaw’s original book Eliza walks away from Henry Higgins. This caused a stir among readers and play producers - they did not want a bittersweet ending; they did not want an unresolved ending. In the musical Eliza returns, but is this really satisfactory? How can Eliza be her own person if she remains with Henry Higgins, if Henry Higgins has not changed? This is simply no way to live...or to love.

And yet, married couples often insist on playing the Pygmalion game, with the husband trying to change the wife and the wife trying to change the husband. When we try to make others into our own image we have a recipe for conflict, whether open conflict or suppressed conflict; but I think more importantly, when we attempt to make others into our image of who and what they should be we try to play God. It is bad enough when this occurs within extended families or in friendships; it is particularly toxic when it happens in a marriage.

Oh the games we play when we take our hammer and chisel and insist that others think and act like we want them to. We play emotional blackmail. We toss the guilt card on the table. We use reward and punishment. We indulge in self-pity. We get angry and then blame it on the other spouse - “You made me angry, I didn’t want to be angry!”.

I have listened to more than one spouse tell me how he (or she) is acting a certain way to get his (or her) spouse to do a certain thing without disclosing the motives behind the actions, the true hidden agenda.

When spouses play games of manipulation, when they attempt to mold the other spouse into another person, they fail to honor the Creator - God who created and formed that spouse. Psalm 139 provides us with an intimate picture of how our Creator has formed each one of us, and of how intimately He knows and cares for each of us. When one spouse tries to make his or her spouse into his or her image it is as if he or she is saying, “God, I can do better than you can.”

When we fall into the trap of trying to recreate others it often indicates that we don’t appreciate how God has made us and that we don’t really know ourselves - it often means that we are unsure of ourselves and insecure, and therefore we try to control others. Secure people can give others their freedom. When we begin to realize how deeply God loves and cares for us, then we can trust His creation in others and give them room to grow and to discover the love that God has for them - then we can learn to encourage them...not to conform to how we think they should be, but to discover an intimate relationship with God so that they can learn how God wants them to be.

Manipulation short-circuits honesty and communication. When we pull relational strings we don’t communicate honestly, the more we hide behind games the more difficult it is to escape the facade, the harder it is to actually talk and to listen and to understand each other. If I am trying to superimpose what I think you should be on you I am not likely to be interested in how you think or feel or what needs and desires you have.

Husbands and wives are not to be “projects” - and when they make each other “projects” there is conflict (open or hidden), frustration, less communication, and dwindling honesty. The Christian husband or wife who insists on making his or her spouse a project not only dishonors his or her spouse, but dishonors God by rejecting the work of God in the other spouse.

This is not to say that we are perfect, we are not; our alienation from God has marred His image within us. The Good News is that when we come into a relationship with Jesus Christ that a process of restoration beings in which the Holy Spirit draws us deeper and deeper into friendship with God and into His image...including the particular way and fashion that He molded each of us (again, see Psalm 139).

If husbands and wives are “heirs together of the grace of life” then they are equal and joint recipients of His grace and, by His grace, they learn to encourage each other in discovering who God made them to be - as a man, as a woman, and as a husband and wife who have become one flesh in Christ.

An ongoing Pygmalion project cannot end happily, the sooner it stops the better. The most tragic Pygmalion project is one in which the will of one spouse triumphs over the other - this is a desecration of the image of God in the marriage.

And what of the children in Pygmalion marriages? What do they see? Will they model their parents? Will they seek spouses with the same patterns? Will they insist that their future spouse acquiesce in a Pygmalion project?

If you are involved in trying to change your spouse into your image, if you are engaged in a Pygmalion project - take your hammer and chisel outside, dig a deep hole, and bury them. Better yet, throw them into the ocean. Let Christ be the Lord of your marriage, let Him transform both you and your spouse into His image - learn who you both are in Him...with all your similarities and your differences - and rejoice in them both. You may just be surprised at what you’ll discover about yourself...and about your spouse.

Letter to a Brother - Marriage (page 3)

Jesus is Lord

A few years ago as I was preparing to meet a husband and wife whose marriage was in crisis, I found myself reviewing the various approaches I could take in my initial time with them. There is no shortage of material on marriage for the average person or for the pastoral counsellor, and I learned early in vocational ministry that it was easy to be overwhelmed by the volume of advice and coaching - it was like dining at an “all you can eat” buffet with hundreds of options.

While my typical approach to initial meetings with couples in crisis is more of asking questions and listening and praying than anything else, I had a sense that this was going to be different because I knew that this husband and wife had reached the breaking point - they had a volatile history and it seemed that a final eruption was possible. I did not know either the husband or wife well, having only lived in the area a few months, but as I prayed about meeting them I had a sense that I needed specific direction from God to relieve the built-up pressure in their marriage that would hopefully help reset the stage.

As the time of their arrival at our home drew near (I often meet folks at home to provide a different atmosphere for them), a clear thought came into my mind, a question that I should ask them, again and again if necessary, a question that would hopefully cause them to pause and consider their attitudes, decisions, and the dynamics of their marriage.

After they arrived and some brief small talk, I asked a question or two and listened, asking clarifying questions as necessary. As is often the case, the story I heard was one of mutual destruction, of a shared history of poor decisions, of accusation, of retaliation, of keeping score, of unforgiveness, and at times of just plain stupidity. No matter how good things might be going for a week or two, or a month or three, it was only a matter of time before one of the spouses would fail to be perfect and then the other would detonate a hand grenade and then the other would fire a rocket and then other other would drop a bomb...so sad but so common. The only thing they could agree on was a “scorched earth policy”.

Both of these people were professing Christians, both held leadership positions in their church, both were visible within their broader community.

After a while of listening, asking questions, and praying silently through all of this I looked at them and said, “Wallace, Susan, can you tell me where the lordship of Jesus Christ is in all this?”

I then went back to specific things they had shared and at the mention of each thing I asked, “Where was the lordship of Jesus in this?”

They were stunned. Item by item they were stunned.

“I didn’t think about Jesus being Lord,” Wallace admitted.

“I didn’t think about Him either when I was doing that,” Susan said.

That was the question that came to me as I prayed in anticipation of our meeting. I sensed the Holy Spirit saying to me, “Ask them where the lordship of Jesus is in their marriage. In their decisions. In the way they are treating each other.”

I said to them, “During our time together, for however many weeks it will be, we will certainly look at some practical day-to-day things that you might consider doing to build a healthy marriage; we’ll explore some strategies and ways of thinking. But right now, the most practical thing we can think about is this basic question, “Where is the lordship of Jesus Christ in your individual lives and in your marriage? - because we can’t separate you as individuals and your obedience to Christ and you as a husband, and you as a wife, and your obedience to Jesus Christ.”

(The other thing I talked to them about was praying together. Before they left that evening I asked Vickie to join us and Vickie and I prayed together in front of them to give them a model. Once they saw how it could be done they began praying together! In the ensuing months they talked to other couples about praying together. Some things are better caught than taught.)

Since that evening with Wallace and Susan the lordship of Jesus Christ has continued to be a focus when I meet with couples; whether in crisis or in premarital counseling, or in helping husbands and wives strengthen their marriages. Is Jesus Christ the Lord of our marriage? Are we being obedient to Jesus Christ as those who are “heirs together of the grace of life”? Am I, as a spouse, being obedient to Jesus Christ in my marriage?

All too often Christian husbands and wives isolate their marriages from the lordship of Christ; much the same many Christians erect a firewall between Christ and the workplace, or Christ and a civic organization, or Christ and educational institutions. Obedience to Jesus Christ means obedience to Him in all facets of life, in all relationships - it means obedience to Him whether we feel like obeying or not. As I write these words the idea that Christian husbands and wives don’t consider obedience to Christ in their marriages seems absurd; yet many Christian spouses will apologize to others before they will apologize to their spouse, they will seek forgiveness from others before they will seek forgiveness from their spouse, they will be kind and considerate and patient with others before they will do so with their spouse. Many times Christian spouses act as if their spouse should give them a free pass on selfish and petulant behavior, on temper tantrums, and on language that often would never be used with friends, coworkers, or in church.

We may call this whatever we like; compartmentalization, “that’s just the way we are”, it’s part of our history, it all started 20 years ago, he (or she) makes me act like this...call it what we will - when we disobey God in the way we treat our spouse it is sin. Mechanistic language with terms like “dysfunctional” can be used to cloak sin and absolve us of ownership for our actions and be used to cover the need for repentance and seeking forgiveness from both God and our spouse. Sin is sin - call it what it is.

“What does Christ want me to do? How should I respond? How am I to be obedient to Jesus in this? How can I serve Jesus and my spouse?”

Where is the lordship of Jesus Christ? No matter what the marital situation may be, whether good and healthy and growing, or stagnant, or facing the danger of dissolution - we must always be looking to Jesus; as husbands, as wives, as those joined as one in the mystery of marriage, as two who have become one as heirs together of the grace of life in Jesus Christ.

Letter to a Brother - Marriage (Page 2)

Praying Together

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives…as heirs together of the grace of life so that your prayers will not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7b

It was early in the morning when I arrived at the pastor’s apartment in New York City, I wanted to stop by and catch up with the pastor and his wife; they were not expecting me. After their greetings and providing me with a cup of coffee Pastor Alvarez said, “Brother Bob, please excuse us for a while, my wife and I haven’t prayed together yet, so we are going back into our bedroom to pray and we’ll be back when we’re finished.”

The above happened almost fifty years ago, but I still remember it. Ralph and Carmen Alvarez were putting first things first in their marriage; after making their guest comfortable they were going to do what they did every day – they were going to pray together as husband and wife.   

One of the questions I often ask married Christians is “Do you pray with your spouse?” Less than one out of ten say “Yes.” People might respond, “We say ‘grace’ before meals,” but they know that’s not what I’m asking, they know I’m asking if they pray together regularly about their marriage, about their lives, and for the needs of others. Are they giving thanks to God for His blessings? Are they praying for the salvation of others? Are they praying together for those who need healing? Are they praying for God’s direction in their lives?

There are two areas that Christians tend to get irritated about when I explore them in a conversation, two areas that Christians often get plan angry about – one is sharing the Good News of Jesus with others and the other is praying with a spouse. Christians have excuse after excuse about why they don’t share Jesus with others, and they have excuse after excuse about why they cannot pray with their Christian wife or Christian husband. I have had discussions with husbands who will get angry with me for not accepting their excuses – some will go away angry and come back days later to say that they’ve tried it and it’s working, others will avoid the subject in the future and hope that I don’t bring it up again.

If, as Peter writes, husbands and wives are heirs together of the grace of life, doesn’t it make sense that husbands and wives ought to pray together? After all, isn’t prayer one of our most intimate connections with God? And if husbands and wives are one flesh, one person, then shouldn’t that one person be praying and experiencing intimacy with God – not just as individuals but as husband and wife?

There is a vulnerability in prayer in that when we pray with our spouses there is no room for façade, no room for posturing or religious pretending, no place for denial of sin if the spouses have mistreated each other. Confession of sin is necessary when a husband has wronged his wife or a wife has wronged her husband. Confession of sin is also necessary when the husband and wife have wronged others. A husband and wife in prayer can also be a place of tenderness as they give thanks to God for His love and mercy in their lives and as they thank Him for each other and their marriage. Praying for children and grandchildren, friends and neighbors and coworkers, others in need, missions, community…the list goes on in terms of what a husband and wife can pray for.

Praying together is an act of worship, it is a marriage of a man and woman joined as one in Jesus Christ, communing with the God who created them – their two hearts becoming one altar on which they offer up love for God, receiving together the grace of life.

Why is it so difficult for husbands and wives to pray together? Two reasons often are “expectations” and “forgiveness and acceptance”. Many people are uncomfortable praying aloud in church or in small groups because they think that verbal prayer has to be a certain way, sound a certain way, and use certain words in a certain order – how often do people who pray around others change their tone of voice and type of language when they pray! It’s as if one moment they are speaking American English and the next they are speaking British English – what happened? It’s as if we change from everyday language to holy language – we go from being ourselves to being someone else. I think our kind heavenly Father would rather us be ourselves when we commune with Him than try to be someone or something else. A prayer façade might work in church or a small group, but hopefully it won’t work with a spouse – after all, the spouse knows who we are, the spouse knows how we typically talk…as does our heavenly Father.

But I think the issue of forgiveness, coupled with acceptance, is often the biggest issue in a husband and wife praying together – because we’ve all hurt our spouse at one time or another, and we’re never quite so vulnerable as when we pray. Also, spouses see imperfection and sin in one another, after all, we’ve all come short of the glory of God, there is none righteous, no not one (Romans 3:23). A fear is that one spouse will think his or her spouse a hypocrite, or that one spouse has not really forgiven the other, or that even if one has forgiven the other that acceptance and love is being withheld – because while one spouse may forgive the other can he or she really forget the harsh word, the unkind action, the sin introduced into the marriage, the repeated destructive behavior?

No one said that praying together is easy, any more than individual prayer is always easy – asking forgiveness is not easy, repentance is not easy, submitting to God and to one another is not easy. Yet, healing and forgiveness and changes in attitudes and behavior can be experienced when husbands and wives weave prayer into the fabric of their marriage. When a husband and wife pray together it is not only the husband’s heart that is exposed to God, nor only the wife’s heart that is exposed, but it is particularly the heart of the marriage, of the husband and wife, that is exposed to our Lord Jesus and it is that heart, found in the unity of person, that Jesus can speak to and mold and draw to Himself.

Questions to Ponder:

If you and your spouse do not pray together, please take the opportunity to do so now. Simply join hands and begin praying. Here are some things that can be part of your prayer:

Thank God for each other and thank Him for your marriage. Pray for needs within your marriage, pray for guidance, pray that God will use your marriage as a blessing to others and to draw others to Jesus Christ. Pray for needs within your family, your circle of friends, your coworkers. Pray for the salvation of others by name. Pray that God will teach you as husband and wife to love Him with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love your neighbor as yourselves. Commit all that you have and all that you are to Him. Pray for those in distress across the world as a result of natural disasters, war, and famine. Pray for national, state, and local leaders. Don’t be afraid to have moments of silence in your prayer as your hearts listen to the Holy Spirit.

If you and your spouse do pray together, and you do not do so daily, please make a commitment to begin daily prayer together right now – right now in prayer ask God to help you make time for daily prayer.

Marketplace Ponderings (7)

Telling the Truth - 2

We live in a culture of lying. We don’t like to call it lying, we call it “spin” or not hurting people’s feelings or “everyone does it”. Most of the time I don’t think we call it anything because we are so acclimated to it - when we don’t call it anything we ought to fear because it indicates that we have moved from an immoral society to an amoral society. The sense in which I’m using these words is that when we are immoral we can hopefully contrast immorality with morality, but when we are amoral (without a sense of morals) then we have no contrasts by which we might find our bearings, which we might use as a beacon to navigate life. An immoral society can hope to improve for it has a benchmark, an amoral society has no benchmark for everything is the same. Perhaps Paul had something like this in mind when he wrote of consciences being seared as with a hot iron, cauterized beyond feeling or sensitivity (1 Timothy 4:2).

In Proverbs Chapter Six “a lying tongue” is a thing that God hates and it is an abomination to Him. In Proverbs 12:22 we read, “Lying lips are an abomination to Yahweh, but those who deal truthfully are His delight.” Consider that the father of lies lied to Adam and Eve in the Garden - is lying something we really want to propagate?

How do we tell the truth in a society of lying, in which a straight answer is ever more rare, in which twisting the truth and cloaking the truth are an art form and a way of doing business, engaging in relationships, and all too often a part of church?

As I pointed out in the previous post, we ought to maintain an awareness that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all; that the devil is the father of lies; and that we are either drinking from the cup of the Lord or from the cup of the enemy. This is not about pragmatism and just getting through a bad moment with a lie, this is about who God is, who the devil is, and who we are - it is only pragmatic in the sense that it is about life and death, spiritual health and spiritual death. What shall it profit a man (or woman) to gain the world and lose his own soul (Mark 8:34 ff)? If we must be pragmatic then let it be pragmatic with a capital “P”.

Telling the truth must be a way of life within Christ, our Way of Life. If we are married we must be truthful with our spouse, the foundation of truth-telling is found in the home - if we lie to our spouses we will lie to others. Sadly I have met many professing Christians who are not honest with their spouses, whether in or large or small things - it is as if they inhabit alternate worlds - manipulation is the norm. Marriages must be truthful to grow in Christ, to be formed into His image, to experience ever-deepening foundations, and to build trust.

Paul writes to the Ephesians (4:15, 25) that they are to speak the truth to one another in love and that they are to “put away lying” and speak the truth with their fellow Christians. Our fellowships need to learn (if they have not already done so) to be communities of truth. Yes, telling the truth can be hard, can require much prayer in order to discern how to best communicate truth, and truth-telling can lead to difficult situations that must be worked through in obedience to the Word and leading of the Holy Spirit - but if our churches are not churches that live in a culture of truth how can we hope to witness to the world? Can we trust the Head of the Body to care for His Body when the members of the Body speak the truth to one another in love and care and humility?

It is true that telling the truth can lead to conflict, but we are not called to avoid conflict, we are rather called to work through it as we allow the truth to engage us and as we submit ourselves to one another under the Word of God and the working of the Holy Spirit. Telling the truth can uncloak that which has been deliberately hidden, bringing things from darkness to light thereby allowing us to repent, confess, help one another, and experience relief. Bringing to the surface that which everyone may know but which no one will acknowledge can lead to health in the church, healing of wounds, and witness to the world.

Whether at home or in the church we must tell the truth, speaking and living the truth must be our Way of Life.

Since the Word of God is True, our souls must be anchored in it. Just as a deep-sea diver may use a bell helmet with an air hose attached to a pump on a ship, so must we continually breathe the Word of God in daily life. We may not always be conscious of the Word, just as a deep-sea diver may not always be conscious of the air he breathes; but you can be sure that the diver has a quick sense when there is a problem with his oxygen supply; and so the Christian living in the Word, with the Word living in him (or her) develops a sense when a situation comes into conflict with the Living Word. Just as the deep-sea diver does not want to jeopardize his air supply, so we should not do anything to bring us out of submission to the Word of God - Christ in His Word is our source of life. Christ in us means that the Nature of God dwells within our frail temples of flesh, and since the Nature of God is Light and Life and Truth, embracing His Nature and submitting to Him is part of the dance of partaking of the Divine Nature (2 Peter 1:4). If Jesus Christ did not and would not lie, and if we are indeed indwelt by Him (see John Chapters 14 - 17); then we must not lie for His incarnation continues within His Body, the fulness of Him who fills all in all (Ephesians 1:23).

In every situation we find ourselves we are Christ to the world. Will we have Christ lie (I speak as a man)? Will I? Will you?

Letter to a Brother - Marriage (Page 1)

Heirs Together

Dear Friend,

So you’ve asked my thoughts on marriage...oh my...how to respond? I will do my best, by the grace of God, to share what I can based on the Word of God, how I understand that Word’s action in our lives, and how I think we ought to obediently respond to the Word in Christ. Marriage is a sacrament, it is an avenue and a state of being through which we receive the grace of God; for those of us who are married it is a core element of our identity in Jesus Christ.

While Ephesians 5:22 - 33 is often the initial “go-to” Bible passage on marriage, I am going to drop my anchor into 1 Peter 3:1 - 7 with a particular emphasis on the last few words of verse 7, speaking to husbands Peter writes, “...show her [your wife] honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”

I have spent much of my life in the real estate industry, and therefore a knowledge of real estate law has been crucial to my professional life. In the USA each parcel of property is owned by someone; that someone can be a real person, such as you or me; it can be a fictitious person, such as a corporation; it can be a local or state government; or it can be the federal government. The evidence that someone owns real estate is called a “title” – a piece of paper indicating who the current owner is and how the owner received the property (examples: a purchase, a gift, an inheritance). Titles to real estate are typically recorded in the records of local courts. If you want to know who owns a parcel of land you can look it up in the court records. When there is more than one purchaser of a parcel of land the way in which the purchasers “take title” is of vital legal importance.

In Maryland, where I began my real estate career, one of the ways that people can take title to real property is called tenancy by the entirety (I don’t know if this is still the case but it was when I practiced there). This way of taking title to property is a remnant of English common law and it has historically only been available to husbands and wives; this is because English common law recognized a husband and wife as “a unity of person”. While there are many legal elements to this concept, here is one example: If I am interested in purchasing a parcel of land, look up the title in the courthouse, and find that it is owned by John and Susan Smith, husband and wife, tenants by the entirety, I know that I cannot go to John Smith and purchase the parcel just from him, nor can I go to just Susan Smith and purchase the parcel from her – because John Smith does not own the parcel, nor does Susan Smith own the parcel – only one person owns the parcel and that one person is a husband and wife. If I want to purchase the parcel I will need the signatures of the husband and wife, not just of one or the other. John and Susan Smith, husband and wife, are a unity of person in English common law.

In the ancient world laws of inheritance were highly developed and concepts of ownership and inheritance are found throughout the Bible. When Peter writes that husbands and wives are heirs together he is expressing something akin to tenancy by the entirety; some translations use the term joint heirs in this and other Bible passages, and from this we get another term used in English law – joint tenancy. This also reflects the Biblical image of marriage in two becoming one – thus when a man becomes a husband and a woman becomes a wife a new person comes into being – there is a unity of person.

It has been said that in Christian marriage there are three people; the husband, the wife, and Jesus; but I think there is a fourth person, and that fourth person is what we find in the mystery of marriage, the unity of person – that person which came into being when the man and woman were joined together and became one flesh, one person. Husbands and wives are therefore heirs together of the grace of life and if the unity of person is disrupted then our relationship with God is disrupted – our prayers are hindered, our communion with God is polluted.

Paul writes, “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it…” (Ephesians 5:28 – 29). When the Bible speaks of a husband and wife becoming one flesh it is not just talking about two physical bodies being joined, but rather about two people being joined, about all that transpires when two bodies are joined together in marriage. When Paul writes that “no one ever hated his own flesh” he is saying much the same thing. Self-mutilation is not healthy behavior, poisoning oneself is not healthy behavior – and yet when husbands and wives engage in tearing one another down and inflicting pain on one another they are engaging in self-mutilation and the poisoning of their marriage; they seldom see what they are doing for what it is – the destruction of the unity of person.  

In the same way husbands and wives who care for each other, who build each other up, who want the best for each other, are loving themselves as they love their spouse; they are also loving the unity of person that has come into being as a result of their marriage. Just as a healthy diet and exercise contribute to a healthy physical body, so a healthy emotional, psychological, and spiritual life contributes to a healthy marriage. The husband needs to grow in his life in Christ, the wife needs to grow in her life in Christ, and the marriage (the unity of person) needs to grow in its life in Christ.

Being “heirs together of the grace of life” is an essential understanding and way of life in a Christian marriage - it is a sacramental mystery that a husband and wife experience in Jesus Christ.

It Takes A Church – (2)

When I do marital counseling a question I ask is, “Tell me about the friendships you have with other Christian couples. Couples who really know you, couples you are close to.” I don’t want to know about couples they know, couples they are in Sunday school with, even couple they “do things” with occasionally; I want to know about couples with healthy marriages that they have parity relationships with. The answer invariably is that marriages in trouble seldom have close relationships with couples in healthy marriages. In this question I’m not looking for the husband’s friendships, or the wife’s friendships – I’m looking for the couple’s friendships.

I ask this question because almost thirty years ago there was a season of life in which I had a few acquaintances whose marriages were in trouble, and I asked myself if there were any common denominators. The one characteristic that I identified was that none of the couples had close relationships with other couples in healthy marriages. Just as I, as a man, need relationships with brothers in Christ; so Vickie and I, as husband and wife, need parity relationships with other Christian couples.

Sadly the individualistic way of life that has infiltrated the church has affected marriages and families; marriages live in isolation more often than not with the result that there is little mutual encouragement, strengthening, and modeling from marriage to marriage. Just as individuals live lives surrounded by barriers, so do marriages.

We think that books and videos and retreats can sustain or heal marriages – when only sustained healthy relationships in Christ within His church, and particularly with other marriages within the church, can nurture and grow a marriage over a lifetime. Just as individual Christians need to experience life together, so marriages need to live life together.

There are holistic healing dynamics within the Body of Christ, when we live in koinonia these dynamics function, when we insist on living our own lives without regard to Jesus Christ and His body, without acknowledging that we are members of one another, then we are on dangerous ground, unhealthy ground – whether as individuals, families, or marriages. It takes a church to have a healthy marriage.