Pygmalion
While there are various ancient versions of the Pygmalion myth, the core story centers around a sculptor named Pygmalion who falls in love with with a female statue he carves. Some of us may be more familiar with the story through George Bernard Shaw’s book (and later play), Pygmalion, or through the musical adaptation, My Fair Lady.
Consider the storyline, a sculptor creates a female statue, an image - he crafts the image and then he falls in love with the image. He superimposes his “ideal woman” on the image, attributing to the image inner characteristics, emotions, and intellect that he, the image-maker, wants the statue to have. Then the image comes to life...but what then? Will the living person continue to conform to the sculptor’s image, or will she become her own person? There are many possibilities.
In Shaw’s original book Eliza walks away from Henry Higgins. This caused a stir among readers and play producers - they did not want a bittersweet ending; they did not want an unresolved ending. In the musical Eliza returns, but is this really satisfactory? How can Eliza be her own person if she remains with Henry Higgins, if Henry Higgins has not changed? This is simply no way to live...or to love.
And yet, married couples often insist on playing the Pygmalion game, with the husband trying to change the wife and the wife trying to change the husband. When we try to make others into our own image we have a recipe for conflict, whether open conflict or suppressed conflict; but I think more importantly, when we attempt to make others into our image of who and what they should be we try to play God. It is bad enough when this occurs within extended families or in friendships; it is particularly toxic when it happens in a marriage.
Oh the games we play when we take our hammer and chisel and insist that others think and act like we want them to. We play emotional blackmail. We toss the guilt card on the table. We use reward and punishment. We indulge in self-pity. We get angry and then blame it on the other spouse - “You made me angry, I didn’t want to be angry!”.
I have listened to more than one spouse tell me how he (or she) is acting a certain way to get his (or her) spouse to do a certain thing without disclosing the motives behind the actions, the true hidden agenda.
When spouses play games of manipulation, when they attempt to mold the other spouse into another person, they fail to honor the Creator - God who created and formed that spouse. Psalm 139 provides us with an intimate picture of how our Creator has formed each one of us, and of how intimately He knows and cares for each of us. When one spouse tries to make his or her spouse into his or her image it is as if he or she is saying, “God, I can do better than you can.”
When we fall into the trap of trying to recreate others it often indicates that we don’t appreciate how God has made us and that we don’t really know ourselves - it often means that we are unsure of ourselves and insecure, and therefore we try to control others. Secure people can give others their freedom. When we begin to realize how deeply God loves and cares for us, then we can trust His creation in others and give them room to grow and to discover the love that God has for them - then we can learn to encourage them...not to conform to how we think they should be, but to discover an intimate relationship with God so that they can learn how God wants them to be.
Manipulation short-circuits honesty and communication. When we pull relational strings we don’t communicate honestly, the more we hide behind games the more difficult it is to escape the facade, the harder it is to actually talk and to listen and to understand each other. If I am trying to superimpose what I think you should be on you I am not likely to be interested in how you think or feel or what needs and desires you have.
Husbands and wives are not to be “projects” - and when they make each other “projects” there is conflict (open or hidden), frustration, less communication, and dwindling honesty. The Christian husband or wife who insists on making his or her spouse a project not only dishonors his or her spouse, but dishonors God by rejecting the work of God in the other spouse.
This is not to say that we are perfect, we are not; our alienation from God has marred His image within us. The Good News is that when we come into a relationship with Jesus Christ that a process of restoration beings in which the Holy Spirit draws us deeper and deeper into friendship with God and into His image...including the particular way and fashion that He molded each of us (again, see Psalm 139).
If husbands and wives are “heirs together of the grace of life” then they are equal and joint recipients of His grace and, by His grace, they learn to encourage each other in discovering who God made them to be - as a man, as a woman, and as a husband and wife who have become one flesh in Christ.
An ongoing Pygmalion project cannot end happily, the sooner it stops the better. The most tragic Pygmalion project is one in which the will of one spouse triumphs over the other - this is a desecration of the image of God in the marriage.
And what of the children in Pygmalion marriages? What do they see? Will they model their parents? Will they seek spouses with the same patterns? Will they insist that their future spouse acquiesce in a Pygmalion project?
If you are involved in trying to change your spouse into your image, if you are engaged in a Pygmalion project - take your hammer and chisel outside, dig a deep hole, and bury them. Better yet, throw them into the ocean. Let Christ be the Lord of your marriage, let Him transform both you and your spouse into His image - learn who you both are in Him...with all your similarities and your differences - and rejoice in them both. You may just be surprised at what you’ll discover about yourself...and about your spouse.
No comments:
Post a Comment