Letter to a Brother - Marriage (page 3)

Jesus is Lord

A few years ago as I was preparing to meet a husband and wife whose marriage was in crisis, I found myself reviewing the various approaches I could take in my initial time with them. There is no shortage of material on marriage for the average person or for the pastoral counsellor, and I learned early in vocational ministry that it was easy to be overwhelmed by the volume of advice and coaching - it was like dining at an “all you can eat” buffet with hundreds of options.

While my typical approach to initial meetings with couples in crisis is more of asking questions and listening and praying than anything else, I had a sense that this was going to be different because I knew that this husband and wife had reached the breaking point - they had a volatile history and it seemed that a final eruption was possible. I did not know either the husband or wife well, having only lived in the area a few months, but as I prayed about meeting them I had a sense that I needed specific direction from God to relieve the built-up pressure in their marriage that would hopefully help reset the stage.

As the time of their arrival at our home drew near (I often meet folks at home to provide a different atmosphere for them), a clear thought came into my mind, a question that I should ask them, again and again if necessary, a question that would hopefully cause them to pause and consider their attitudes, decisions, and the dynamics of their marriage.

After they arrived and some brief small talk, I asked a question or two and listened, asking clarifying questions as necessary. As is often the case, the story I heard was one of mutual destruction, of a shared history of poor decisions, of accusation, of retaliation, of keeping score, of unforgiveness, and at times of just plain stupidity. No matter how good things might be going for a week or two, or a month or three, it was only a matter of time before one of the spouses would fail to be perfect and then the other would detonate a hand grenade and then the other would fire a rocket and then other other would drop a bomb...so sad but so common. The only thing they could agree on was a “scorched earth policy”.

Both of these people were professing Christians, both held leadership positions in their church, both were visible within their broader community.

After a while of listening, asking questions, and praying silently through all of this I looked at them and said, “Wallace, Susan, can you tell me where the lordship of Jesus Christ is in all this?”

I then went back to specific things they had shared and at the mention of each thing I asked, “Where was the lordship of Jesus in this?”

They were stunned. Item by item they were stunned.

“I didn’t think about Jesus being Lord,” Wallace admitted.

“I didn’t think about Him either when I was doing that,” Susan said.

That was the question that came to me as I prayed in anticipation of our meeting. I sensed the Holy Spirit saying to me, “Ask them where the lordship of Jesus is in their marriage. In their decisions. In the way they are treating each other.”

I said to them, “During our time together, for however many weeks it will be, we will certainly look at some practical day-to-day things that you might consider doing to build a healthy marriage; we’ll explore some strategies and ways of thinking. But right now, the most practical thing we can think about is this basic question, “Where is the lordship of Jesus Christ in your individual lives and in your marriage? - because we can’t separate you as individuals and your obedience to Christ and you as a husband, and you as a wife, and your obedience to Jesus Christ.”

(The other thing I talked to them about was praying together. Before they left that evening I asked Vickie to join us and Vickie and I prayed together in front of them to give them a model. Once they saw how it could be done they began praying together! In the ensuing months they talked to other couples about praying together. Some things are better caught than taught.)

Since that evening with Wallace and Susan the lordship of Jesus Christ has continued to be a focus when I meet with couples; whether in crisis or in premarital counseling, or in helping husbands and wives strengthen their marriages. Is Jesus Christ the Lord of our marriage? Are we being obedient to Jesus Christ as those who are “heirs together of the grace of life”? Am I, as a spouse, being obedient to Jesus Christ in my marriage?

All too often Christian husbands and wives isolate their marriages from the lordship of Christ; much the same many Christians erect a firewall between Christ and the workplace, or Christ and a civic organization, or Christ and educational institutions. Obedience to Jesus Christ means obedience to Him in all facets of life, in all relationships - it means obedience to Him whether we feel like obeying or not. As I write these words the idea that Christian husbands and wives don’t consider obedience to Christ in their marriages seems absurd; yet many Christian spouses will apologize to others before they will apologize to their spouse, they will seek forgiveness from others before they will seek forgiveness from their spouse, they will be kind and considerate and patient with others before they will do so with their spouse. Many times Christian spouses act as if their spouse should give them a free pass on selfish and petulant behavior, on temper tantrums, and on language that often would never be used with friends, coworkers, or in church.

We may call this whatever we like; compartmentalization, “that’s just the way we are”, it’s part of our history, it all started 20 years ago, he (or she) makes me act like this...call it what we will - when we disobey God in the way we treat our spouse it is sin. Mechanistic language with terms like “dysfunctional” can be used to cloak sin and absolve us of ownership for our actions and be used to cover the need for repentance and seeking forgiveness from both God and our spouse. Sin is sin - call it what it is.

“What does Christ want me to do? How should I respond? How am I to be obedient to Jesus in this? How can I serve Jesus and my spouse?”

Where is the lordship of Jesus Christ? No matter what the marital situation may be, whether good and healthy and growing, or stagnant, or facing the danger of dissolution - we must always be looking to Jesus; as husbands, as wives, as those joined as one in the mystery of marriage, as two who have become one as heirs together of the grace of life in Jesus Christ.