Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Letter to a Brother - Marriage (5)

Pygmalion - more reflections:

As I thought about my last letter, the more I considered our tendency to try to make our spouse into our image of what we think he or she should be, the more I realized that I ought to specifically mention this tendency when it comes to the Christian life. There are few things as dangerous as self-righteous religion, no matter the flavor. Self-righteous religion is religion that insists on conformity in order to measure up and to be accepted - by God (or a god) and by the people within the circle of the particular religion - including Christianity. Because self-righteous people delude themselves into thinking that conformity, whether in terms of thought life or behavior, is critical to eternal destiny, and because it also validates their own religious life, they often adopt a tyrannical posture toward others; this can be especially true in marriage when one spouse seeks to dominate the other - naturally all for the other spouse’s good and spiritual health (this can also be sadly true in parenting).

What might this look like in a marriage? It can mean that one spouse insists on the other spouse having the same devotional life; reading the Bible in the same way and with the same methodology. It can mean that both spouses are expected to pray the same way, or that both are expected to be interested in the same spiritual gifts and graces, or the same opportunities to serve church and community. It can mean that books on the Christian life that appeal to one spouse must appeal to the other spouse. It can mean that the wife gives up her individuality and personhood and sublimates her gifts and graces and personhood to the point where she ceases to have functional independent thought and action. There are times when a spouse no longer has the freedom to express herself - whether in thought, in prayer, or in the expression of God’s grace and giftings in her life.

Instead of being heirs together of the grace of life, instead of the husband laying down his life for his wife, a Pygmalion marriage can become one of emotional, mental, and religious tyranny - this is hardly the image of Christ and the Church, it is hardly in harmony with God’s design and intention for marriage. Yet it happens; and while it may happen less frequently in the general population than it once did, I wonder about its frequency within religious families, even professing-Christian families.

A role of a spouse ought to be that of encourager, of affirming the other spouse’s unique God-given personality, interests, talents, and desires. Yes, hopefully there will be common interests in a marriage (after all, there must have been some common ground as a marital foundation), common desires to serve together, to grow exploring the same things in Christ and in friendships with others; but a healthy marriage is also a complementary marriage, an interdependent marriage, in which husband and wife not only grow as heirs together in common expression, but in which they also learn to be heirs together as each encourages the other to grow up into Christ as the man or woman that God created. As we have unity in diversity in the Body of Christ, so can we have unity in diversity in marriage.

This means that we must give our spouse room to grow, whether or not our expressions of grace and relationship with God are identical, whether or not they always appeal to both of us. Some people are more disciplined and methodical than others. Some people are more practical than others. Some of us tend to think abstractly more than concretely and some of us are the opposite. Some of us are more comfortable being demonstrative in worship and some are not.

God is the One who is forming us into the image of His Son, the Holy Spirit is the One who is convicting us and animating change, the Word of God is that which is renewing our hearts and minds - none of the foregoing is the job or calling of a husband or of a wife toward his or her spouse.

Husbands and wives can be artful in subtle manipulation, and they can be subtle in passive resistance; when this is allowed to continue an underground relationship burrows into the marriage, a relationship of thoughts never clearly spoken, of hurts not disclosed, of forgiveness not asked, of perfunctory prayer, of public personas and private realities.

Perhaps we try to manipulate others when we do not allow the Holy Spirit to reveal our own need for transformation into the image of Jesus Christ. Perhaps we insist that others measure up to our standards so that we can cling to a vestige of self-righteousness. Maybe we try to change our spouse to avoid learning humility and to avoid relinquishing control of our marriage. Giving up control does not mean abdicating responsibility for either the husband or the wife, but it does mean submitting to the lordship of Jesus Christ and the husband and wife learning to serve and love each other - trusting the Lord of the marriage to transform them as individuals and as husband and wife into His image.

When we are self-righteous we justify our attempt to control others by telling ourselves and others that it is for their benefit - such control can be particularly heinous in marriage. I use the word “heinous” because (Psalm 139) each of us is created by God, He designed us, He knows us, He has a purpose for us; and when one of us tries to usurp the place of God in the life of another we are not only attempting to wrest control from God, but we are attempting to mar His image in the other person; only Michelangelo could call forth the image of David from flawed marble and only God can call forth His image from within our spouse...or from anyone else.

Marriage lived in the freedom of Jesus Christ is beautiful, with the glories of God unfolding ever brighter. The discovery of God’s image in marriage, as heirs together of the grace of life, is a marvel. For the husband to see God’s glory in his wife, for the wife to see God’s glory in her husband - to discover the glorious transforming grace of Christ in marriage, in safety, in trust, in longsuffering - this is a taste of heaven on earth.

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